MOO.

I haven’t been confident about myself ever since the beginning of 2011, when I started seeing people who were better than me. Better musicians, better conversationalists, better writers, better-looking people, better artists - those kinds of people make me uneasy.

I know, I know. Expecting to be the best in everything is unreasonable. Envying those superior over me is selfish. It is unhealthy to strive for perfection, being fueled by the jealousy I feel. I know I shouldn’t expect too much from myself. I know I should be happy for “special” people and their achievements. I know that I should have the right motives in wanting to be a better person (i.e. pleasing God).

But I just can’t help feeling this desire.

Forgive the narcissism; I just need to be honest with myself. I desire to be exalted. I want people to look at me and see all the good in me. I want them to see me as perfect. I want them to look up to me. I want them to marvel at my accomplishments. I bet it’s a nice feeling to be known as Benny, a smart, “godly”, talented, funny boy who stands out from all the others.

As a homeschooler, I feel like I have a lot to prove. Call me vain, but I constantly feel as if people are always looking at me to see if someone unconventionally educated is as “normal” as those who study in “regular schools.” Although this isn’t completely true (people don’t watch me ALL the time), I feel as if I have to prove to everyone that someone who studies in “irregular schools” can be as “normal” as his cousins and friends. Or even more than normal. Supernatural.

I wanna be like those heroes in the movies - like Steve Rogers (Captain America). He has disadvantages like me (we’re both scrawny hihi but that’s outside the point). He wants to serve in the army, but he just can’t. He has the courage and willingness to serve his country, but his physique limits him from doing so. But he was strong-willed. His huge heart couldn’t be contained by such a tiny body, so he was chosen as a test subject for Weapon X, then BAM - he becomes Captain America. In spite of his weaknesses, he proved to be great in the end. He stood out. I could do the same, really. If only I had Weapon X like he did. Cheater.

But I guess I understand why God has been holding back those things (being smart, talented, funny, sociable, etc.) from me because He wants to teach me humility. If I become the person I want to be (a person whom I think would be liked by everybody), I wouldn’t become the best that God wants me to be. Also, I’d have a sense of pride that I became great because of my own efforts (and people hate pride, so all that effort would go to waste). God wouldn’t want that. I do believe He wants me to be smart, talented, funny, sociable, and everything good. Though I believe He wants to change me Himself. And I believe He wants to change me into a person I never imagined I could be.

Isaiah 55:9 says, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

I guess what God is telling me to do is to wait on Him to make me stand out - and I believe He’ll do it when the time and my heart is right. Right now, I’ll be content with what I have - my talents, social skills, brains and whatnots. God gave them all, anyway, and right now maybe a certain amount of “interestingness” is all that I need.